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The global quest to finally prove Shaq's existence
This is the painting uncovered by the local British man. It depicts Caesar’s [figure standing in the left-of-center] attempt to defeat the native Britons in a friendly game of basketball. If one looks closely, one can make out Shaq [upper left] slam dunking on the Britons. In mid-October 2017, a local British man reported that he had discovered a painting depicting the
great Shaquille O’Neal in what appeared to be an ancient British battle. We at “Shaq is Out There” immediately rushed from Helsinki (still in disbelief that Finland truly exists) to Dover, a city on the United Kingdom’s southern coast, where we got hold of this elegant work of art. The painting was carbon dated to the year 54 BCE, the same year in which Julius Caesar began his second attempt to invade Britain. This groundbreaking discovery has since challenged the conventional belief that Shaq played no role in ancient Roman military campaigns, and potentially sheds light on how Caesar could stage a more successful invasion of Britain. Julius Caesar, in the year 55 BCE, launched his first expedition into Britain. This initial incursion ended a few months later, with Caesar and his legions retreating to continental Europe with their tails between their legs. Caesar then spent the next year licking his wounds, and preparing for a second invasion of the island: Caesar increased the size of his army from roughly 8,000 men to roughly 27,000 men, and gained Gallic allies. The recent discovery by the local British man suggests that Caesar may have had a third weapon in his arsenal: Shaq. The newly discovered painting also suggests that the Romans might have challenged the native Britons to a friendly game of basketball. This, to be sure, was a rather foolish move on the part of the Romans, since the native Britons were known (and still are known) for their “mad B-ball skills.” In fact, in the year 60 BCE, the Great Britain All-Star Team defeated the Harlem Globetrotters 120-109 on an internationally televised game at Madison Square Garden. Caesar, Shaq, and the Romans, it seems, were not to be phased by the native Britons. Indeed, Sir Robert Wordsworth, a Caesar-Shaq conspiracy theorist, noted that Caesar had “an ‘I-don’t-give- a-fuck’ attitude with these things.” Shaq’s slam dunk on the ancient British soldiers, as depicted in the painting, appeared to be so mesmerizing that the native Britons surrendered to the Romans on the spot. Caesar subsequently disbanded the British tribal alliance that formed against him, and returned to Rome, declaring the invasion of Britain a success. This discovery was made in lieu of Dr. Jeanette Howard’s remarkable August 2017 finding suggesting that Shaq was a prominent mythological figure in the eastern frontiers of the Roman Empire. It is truly an exciting time to be a Roman-Shaq historian.
2 Comments
Uncle Thick
12/24/2020 09:30:46 pm
This theory completely rewrites history as we know it.
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